Julianne (kandykornkat) wrote,
Julianne
kandykornkat

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Hello There Good Ole Journal

I haven't been here for quite sometime. I got sucked into the myspace void and forgot about my poor, negletcted Livejournal. Awww...

So, I'll tell you what's been up lately...

I am havin a good time in my life. I'm glad to be single, free, and able to do what I want, when I want. I have a few crushes right now, which is fun. It's nice to be able to flirt again, because it's in my nature, and holding back how you want to act is just no fun. I guess maybe it's just because I finally know what it feels like to be alone...And I like it. It's nice to know that I don't have someone elses feelings to worry about anymore. If I were in love, that would be a different story...But I'm not. He won't talk to me, which I understand. We were friends for years and years before this though, and I think he should at least call me so we can try to be friends. Sad thing is, I don't think he cares to. I broke his heart and I feel he wants nothing to do with me. I have heard of couples just like us that have broken up and still were friends. Sure it's hard...Especially if it's not a mutual breakup...But I thought we had an important connection that would go on through anything. It's not like I fucked him over. In his mind, it may be playing out that way, but that isn't the case. I wish he could put himself in my frame of mind and try to understand. I have been having serious boyfriends since I was 14 years old, with not as much as a month or two between each. I'm 20 years old, don't I deserve to see whats on the other side? He knows this. He was also ready to be with me forever, and marry me. That is just way too much for me right now. I don't want to think about marriage until I'm in my 30's. I can see how the world is nowdays and how people are, so I don't want to risk ending a marriage in a divorce by marrying the wrong guy. All I wanted to accomplish was the end of this 'marriage' thought process being planned out in his mind. He even told me when I broke up with him, "All of my plans are ruined now"...Well, I'm glad I ended it before it went any further then. We were together for almost 2 years, and if we stayed together until after school ended, it would fall into marriage, which I don't want. I know I did the right thing for the both of us...I'm just sad because I know the consequences may be that I lose his friendship. I think of it this way, it's better to lose him this way rather than in divorce...Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all happy about the fact that he wont talk to me...I'm just glad I stopped the relationship when I did. I am very happy now, and I like being single. I do want another boyfriend someday, but not until I find a guy I can really see myself with. What's a significant other anyways? It's someone you can see yourself with everyday, spending all of your time with, leading into a possible marriage. Even seeing someone is too serious for me right now. I'm just scared of the whole commitment theme right now. Especially after seeing what all of my siblings and parents have been through. Breakups are hard, serious relationships take alot of time to establish as does trust, and I don't feel like putting the effort into anything that will just end up falling apart after all that hard work. I know, that's the way it goes right? Well, maybe someday I'll be ready to invest in someone else's feelings again, but for now I want to be the free spirit I always yearned to be. I was afraid to be alone...Without a guy in my life. I need this time for myself, to help me be a better person, do more for myself and my goals, school, etc. I hope he can get over his hard feelings someday and come back into the freindship he decided to forget about. We always had a connection, an understanding. He was perfect in every way and I don't know why I didn't love him. I guess he just isn't meant for me to be with.
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