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EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!! [24 Nov 2010|01:06pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm surrounded by dementors right now. I can't let the misery ruin me. This too shall pass..I will make it through the darkness to the light again. It's so hard to see, but I can feel it there. A little spark of light can magnify to epic proportions if I don't block it with negativity. The dementors are trying to drown me in their darkness..The cold dark shapes are swooping around me, trying to suck the life out of me. The attacks to my mind are constant and penetrating. They try to dig deep, and make me feel as though nothing else matters..That the light will always turn to darkness. They try to make me feel sorry for myself, and make me feel as though I can't go on any longer. I just want to give up and stop trying, but I know that is the easy way out. There will come a time to choose between what is right, and what is easy..And for me this is one of those times. If I keep doing what I'm doing and stay true to myself, it will benefit in the end. If I stay true, I will find out who is not. How else would I compare the light to the dark? I've put everything out on the table, and it's been snatched by greedy hands. Not many are truly thankful, but feel entitled to the bounty. That sense of self-entitlement is toxic. I now know who is truly toxic in my life..It hurts though. Because I feel. I know what I've put out there, what I've done..What a good friend I've been time and time again. I feel the knife stabbing me again and again by the ones who have grown fat with emotional greed, with the caring I fed them. As my arms spread open, my heart is ripped out. I'm willingly giving myself to people who are too weak to honor what I've given. Instead they quickly grab my self sacrifice and hide in their dark corners, greedily feeding on their prize. There are so few out there I can trust..It's hard to accept that. I want to put faith in people, but constantly it's proven to me that faith can't be so easily granted. That's how I get hurt! Well, to all of you dementors out there trying to suck the joy out of my life, EXPECTO PATRONUM!!

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My Patronus! [01 May 2010|05:47pm]
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The Decision is Made! [17 Jul 2009|11:20am]
[ mood | determined ]

I decided on my design..I'm getting 'The Fountain of Fair Fortune', from 'The Tales of Beedle the Bard'. It was drawn by the author, J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter series, my favorite books of all time. The tattoo has deep meaning for me, not to mention it's beautiful! I'm thinking about getting it on my right side, but I'm also contemplating getting it down the back of my neck and between my shoulder blades..Though doing that might clash with my other tattoo which I want to avoid. If I didn't already have a tattoo there, that's where I would get it for sure, but we'll see! Now I just have to save up a little bit of money! Can't waiiit! Here it is, the uncolored version..I have a version I colored myself, but I don't have the means to post it right now. Here it is!:

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Tattoo [16 Jul 2009|08:58am]
[ mood | creative ]

So..It's been a loooong time since I've updated this journal. According to my login screen, 106 weeks to be exact! LiveJournal used to be the big thing when I was 15, 16..Then MySpace came along, and then Facebook which proved to be even better. There is always a special place in my heart for LiveJounal though..this is the place where I can actually write! Writing an entry again makes me feel nostalgic. I looked through all of my friends and most of them bailed on LiveJournal as I once did.
So getting to the point, fantasy and magic are a big part of my life (the daydreaming part, which is a large chunk!) I am in love with fiction, and the books I read take me away to other worlds. It's a great escape, good for my mind and soul. In commemoration of my favorite series of all time, Harry Potter, I am designing a tattoo. I want to incorporate swirls of misty color, stardust, the chapter stars from the books, the deathly hallows insignia..This I know for sure. I've been wondering about the size and placement. I want the tattoo to be classy, dainty and elegant. I don't want anything super bold with a lot of black (my back piece takes care of that department!) The places I will consider are: my foot, ankle, wrist, behind ear, right shoulder and back of neck. The smaller areas of my body will limit me to a smaller tattoo however. I don't want it to be huge..I just want it to be tasteful and fitting. The deathly hallows tattoo has great significance and meaning to me. During the midnight book release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the last book in the 7 book series, I met my current boyfriend. 2 years later, we are still going strong, about to move in to our first house, and talk about marriage. If it weren't for this book release, J.K. Rowling in particular of course, I may never have met him. This series, this book, that night forever changed my life. It's not only about Harry Potter, it's about the love I found that magical night. If me and Brian hadn't started reading the books and hadn't gone to the release that night, I have no idea where we would be right now..But I know that wherever we would be, it wouldn't be in love with each other and I can't imagine a life like that. That book and the night I went to get it certainly changed my life forever, and my next tattoo will honor that crucial turn in my life. I will be designing it myself, as I'm an artist and both of my tattoos were designed by others. This tattoo needs to be designed by my hand..I can't wait until I find the perfect design!! Wish me luck! xoxo

p.s. I'm also contemplating a phoenix tat. This would be in addition to the one I'm designing. The phoenix and the mythology behind it intrigues me. I'm a deep thinker and contemplator of life and death. Not only does Fawkes the Phoenix play a big role in the Harry Potter books, but the phoenix is born from it's own ashes, and when it dies it burns and is reborn from the ashes again..A never ending cycle. It's beautiful. Also, the tears of Fawkes has healing powers :) I would consider having the phoenix with a tear in it's eye, but that may be perceived as sad..And I don't want my phoenix looking depressed! Well, one tat at a time!

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Camping!!! [04 Jul 2007|11:21am]
[ mood | excited ]

Leavin for the good ole Rifle River at 5am tomorrow morning! Gotta finish packing. I'll be gone for 4 days. Yaaay, I can't wait!!! WHOOOOOOO! I've got 4 bottles of Boone's Farm, a 24 pack of Miller Lite, and 2 12's of Rolling Rock..I think me and Lauren will be all set! Rifle River, here we come!

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Almost a year now.. [28 Jun 2007|09:45pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Since I've posted an entry! I wonder if anyone still looks at my journal?? Send me a comment if u do. Find me on myspace if u like. My e-mail is juju_flower@sbcglobal.net so you can use that to find me :)

Well, since the last post so much has changed. I am now single, after a long hard almost 10 month relationship with a guy named Ryan. He screwed me over pretty bad, so I'm livin the single life for awhile. I just want to be free for a change, do my own thing and see what's out there. I need to start doing more for myself! I love school and can't wait to go back in August. I signed up for my classes and I'm taking Advanced Digital Layout, Intro to Video Prouduction, and Web Page Design, so that should be fun! I love being able to do what I want, when I want without having to check in every 5 minutes. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm free again! It's so nice to be single for the summer. Well anywho, send a comment if you read this, so I know that there is still someone out there that might actually still be reading this!!


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Where in the hell did everyone go? [22 Jul 2006|04:06am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Blah you people are boring. No wonder I'm on MySpace more. Gimme a comment and lemme know you're alive!!!


Yeah, and I'm drunk. Hah ;)

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royal faget fuckorama!!! [20 Jul 2006|11:55pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

that's what he is...

Might as well call himself a pedophile and rename himself PeeWee Herman.

He cheated on me with a 17 year old....

Who needs that when they've got a real woman? It just seems like whenever I am really into a guy, something always backfires. This isn't the first time I've been cheated on with a young girl. Rob cheated on me with a 16 year old! What the fuck is wrong with guys? Obviously they're so immature that they need a younger girl to be on the same level. I guess that kinda makes sense in a way, but stick to your own age group! I would like an older guy, but I'm almost 21 (next month). Two people that can go to the bar together and can do the same things...Now that's a different story. A 21 year old guy and a 16 year old? Now there's something wroooong there. Jeff kissed this girl...All the while I was depressed and knew something was wrong. I could tell by the way he sounded on the phone. He said he couldn't go out because his mom wouldn't let him...Fuckin liar. That whole time he was suckin face with a little girl. Sick bastard. So the next day, he comes over to break up with me, and lied! He didn't even tell me the real reason he was breaking up with me. He said he just "wasn't feeling it", and that "the excitemant is gone"...Douche bag. He just felt guilty for cheating and decided to break it off asap, which he did because he came over at around 12:30, and I know that he sleeps in. The way I found out was that he called me drunk the other night saying he was confused and that he needed to think, like he needed to rethink his decision..And he told me he met a girl whom he felt attracted to. Well, that's it. He said no more than that. So I talked to Lauren, his sis, today and mentioned that he said that. She said "Oh yeah, she's 17"...So I asked what happened, and then she told me how they went to the movies and kissed. What a dumbass. Well, he can kiss my ass cuz he's not coming to the People/Particle show with me anymore. I'm taking some girlfriends and he can hang out with his little slut being a complete moron while I'm out having a great time at a badass concert that he could be at if only he hadn't royally fucked up! It's his loss. I treat my boyfriends like gold. Maybe I treat them too well, because I get taken advantage of way too much. Where in the hell did all the nice guys go?

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I just dont understand [18 Jul 2006|03:00pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Why did it have to end so fast? Things were going so well...He just came over and broke it off like it was nothing, literally. What am I going to do now? I'll miss his kisses and holding his hand. I just can't take this. I really liked him and thought things were going to be great with us. I thought we would end up closer and closer...But no. It's over now :(

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Missin out [09 Jul 2006|12:06pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Awwww, everyone is going to Cedar Point today :( My boyfriend, my best friend, and their buddies are all goin...so sad. I wish I could afford to go! I am so broke though. I need to start making more money. I did spend alot so far this summer after Hookahville, camping, and concerts. Ugh, I wish money grew on trees! I wish I could be with Jeffie at Cedar Point. Man!!!

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Well, ello there! [08 Jul 2006|07:43pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Wow, so I haven't been here in ages. I finally slowed down on the MySpace...FINALLY. When I get into something new, I usually wear it out until I get sick of it. No one really reads my Livejournal, so I feel safer putting my poetry up. Everyone is a MySpace slut now!

Do me a favor...If you read this send me a comment. I wanna see who actually reads my entries.

In the stars, mellow and expansive
I see promise...
A tune playing ever so gracefully
Your melodic hum nests in my ears
The light you send reverberates inside
The scarab beetle floats on open water
flies into the sky
Turning into a molecule that can't be seen
by the human eye
I don't need to see you to know how I feel
I can feel you from a million miles away
from the stars I view beyond the great horizon
I see you in my mind, and smile...

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My Hamster Escaped!!!! [09 May 2006|12:51am]
[ mood | drained ]

My children's book, "The Adventures of Hamilton the Hamster" came true!!! I went to go feed my hamster and he was gone! He bit a hole in his lookout tower and escaped. Thank god I keep the door to his room closed and that the opening under the door is really small. To survive he crawled up into my dresser all the way to the top droor and bit through the plastic of his food bag...Then I found food and poop in almost every other drawer! He definitely had an adventure! Ohhh man, I couldn't believe it. I found him in my closet....Ohhhh man! I will definitely watch out for him better from now on!!!! I was wondering why he wasn't making any noise on his hamster wheel at night!!! lol.

Man I had a long day. I woke up, did ALOT of homework early in the morning, went to meet Kasia at Wal-Mart, then went with her to Stoney, called in and said I had a flat tire so I could buy some more time with Kasia, worked, worked out after I came home and changed, and finally ate some dinner when I got home, then I found out that my hamster escaped so I had to look for him then clean up the poop he left in all of my dresser drawers that he somehow crawled into...Man, I'm tired! I'm gonna wake up at 6:00 instead of 6:30 too, so I can power study for my exam in the morning.

Wish me luck!!!

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Discing Assignment [03 May 2006|10:34am]
[ mood | creative ]

Going to do my last photo assignment of the semester! Whoo hoo! I'm doing it on disc golfing at Stoney Creek, yeah...Well, off I go. Gotta get there before all the discers early discers wake up. I need the course all to myself.

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The Moon and the Tide [30 Apr 2006|07:14pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

you move me like the sea
washing away my insecurity
your the moon that causes the tide
and lights my face up with joy
I want to stay out here with you
where the peace is eternal
as you hold me still,
though my mind is moving
and wrapping around your own
I can feel the energy in your every breath
it electrifies my blood
as it rushes through my heart
and becomes warm with tranquility

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Hello There Good Ole Journal [28 Apr 2006|10:34pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

I haven't been here for quite sometime. I got sucked into the myspace void and forgot about my poor, negletcted Livejournal. Awww...

So, I'll tell you what's been up lately...

I am havin a good time in my life. I'm glad to be single, free, and able to do what I want, when I want. I have a few crushes right now, which is fun. It's nice to be able to flirt again, because it's in my nature, and holding back how you want to act is just no fun. I guess maybe it's just because I finally know what it feels like to be alone...And I like it. It's nice to know that I don't have someone elses feelings to worry about anymore. If I were in love, that would be a different story...But I'm not. He won't talk to me, which I understand. We were friends for years and years before this though, and I think he should at least call me so we can try to be friends. Sad thing is, I don't think he cares to. I broke his heart and I feel he wants nothing to do with me. I have heard of couples just like us that have broken up and still were friends. Sure it's hard...Especially if it's not a mutual breakup...But I thought we had an important connection that would go on through anything. It's not like I fucked him over. In his mind, it may be playing out that way, but that isn't the case. I wish he could put himself in my frame of mind and try to understand. I have been having serious boyfriends since I was 14 years old, with not as much as a month or two between each. I'm 20 years old, don't I deserve to see whats on the other side? He knows this. He was also ready to be with me forever, and marry me. That is just way too much for me right now. I don't want to think about marriage until I'm in my 30's. I can see how the world is nowdays and how people are, so I don't want to risk ending a marriage in a divorce by marrying the wrong guy. All I wanted to accomplish was the end of this 'marriage' thought process being planned out in his mind. He even told me when I broke up with him, "All of my plans are ruined now"...Well, I'm glad I ended it before it went any further then. We were together for almost 2 years, and if we stayed together until after school ended, it would fall into marriage, which I don't want. I know I did the right thing for the both of us...I'm just sad because I know the consequences may be that I lose his friendship. I think of it this way, it's better to lose him this way rather than in divorce...Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all happy about the fact that he wont talk to me...I'm just glad I stopped the relationship when I did. I am very happy now, and I like being single. I do want another boyfriend someday, but not until I find a guy I can really see myself with. What's a significant other anyways? It's someone you can see yourself with everyday, spending all of your time with, leading into a possible marriage. Even seeing someone is too serious for me right now. I'm just scared of the whole commitment theme right now. Especially after seeing what all of my siblings and parents have been through. Breakups are hard, serious relationships take alot of time to establish as does trust, and I don't feel like putting the effort into anything that will just end up falling apart after all that hard work. I know, that's the way it goes right? Well, maybe someday I'll be ready to invest in someone else's feelings again, but for now I want to be the free spirit I always yearned to be. I was afraid to be alone...Without a guy in my life. I need this time for myself, to help me be a better person, do more for myself and my goals, school, etc. I hope he can get over his hard feelings someday and come back into the freindship he decided to forget about. We always had a connection, an understanding. He was perfect in every way and I don't know why I didn't love him. I guess he just isn't meant for me to be with.

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Tonsilitis and Breakups [02 Apr 2006|07:35pm]
[ mood | sick ]


I'm really really sick. I went to the urgent care clinic today, which was shitty. I had to wait for such a long time, and even longer in the actual check up room! When your whole body aches like hell and you can't swallow, that really is agonizing. They did a throat culture and took blood to test for mono. They both tested negative, thank god, but I do have tonsilitis, which I must say, is no walk in the park either. For my antibiotics it cost over $50! The steroids were only $4! Haha. Yeah, we don't have prescription coverage, so that sucks pretty bad. Yeah, I feel like shit. I need to get better before school on Tuesday! I need to go to every class from now on!

Being sick and breaking up with your boyfriend is like a double whammy. So, I went over to his house last night and laid it on him as nice and sweet as I possibly could. I was really truthful with him and explained everything, and he actually ended up yelling at me and laying a guilt trip on me. I said hell no, I'm not gonna take that. I know how I feel , and I'm not going to feel guilty about telling the truth. What is the point of having a relationship go on if it's one sided? I explained everything to him, and he knew I was right. You can't fight the truth, even though it may hurt. It was the best thing to do. It's not fair for me to keep on pulling myself away from him when he wants to touch me, and not kiss him or anything. A relationship like that is worse than having no relationship at all. I just hope we can still be friends. I told him how important his friendship was to me, and that I can't go on without it. He really is one of the most important people in my life. We've been through so much together, this being another one of those things we'll have to get through. I just hope he can be strong. I will always be there for him no matter what. I hope it works out with him, I really do.

So, I want to be single for a LONG time! I don't want a boyfriend until I'm absolutely sure that's what I want. I need to be free and see whats out there. I just wanna be me, and have fun with life for awhile. I wanna do whatever I want, have fun with my friends, keep playin guitar, makin jewelry, and just be myself. I gotta start with getting rid of this damn tonsilitis!

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Not Fade Away [01 Apr 2006|03:13pm]
[ mood | determined ]

The time has come
Everything will change
It's almost over
I can hear the end of the song
It's fading out now
A new time is emerging
I hope the bond doesn't break
It may be hard to put together again
Hard to find the missing pieces
Keep it strong
Dont let it fall apart
I can only do my best
The truth is all I can reveal
I will not cover my face anymore
This is it
I'm singing a song that is almost over

As in the title of a Grateful Dead song...I hope you will "Not Fade Away"

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fuck all this bullshit [29 Mar 2006|03:23pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

my life really sucks right now. everything is collapsing on me all at once. i hope it smashes me and kills me, so i dont have to deal with the pain anymore.

I feel I lost his respect. I feel he doesn't like me anymore. I feel used. I feel rejected. I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm sad.

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Oh my oh my oh my.... [27 Mar 2006|03:12pm]
[ mood | anxious ]


I hope things work out

I really really do

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Good Friday [25 Mar 2006|01:57pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Partied last night at Breezers...Whew we got drunk. I felt lonely though. Everyone was coupled up except for me. Jeremy called last night and said he wont be coming home for 2 weeks. He sounded really depressed. The situation I'm in is really hard. It's even harder because I have to keep it inside until the right moment. I can't even really type how I feel right now. I'm even more trapped than I thought. I know things will work out eventually, I just have to wait.
So I left really early this morning because I couldn't sleep and the refrigerator was being really loud. I left at about 8:10 or so. I didn't want to wake them up so early, so I just left without waking them. I felt kinda shitty this morning. Not at all like the hangover I had before break at Andrew's, but I still had a little one. I layed in bed until about 1:00. Now I'm gonna go do some chores.

I really hope everything works out the way I want it to. I really really hope. I also hope that I can hold out long enough. It's hard.

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